Dread

Have you felt a deep void inside of you? This persistent nagging feeling that feels like a black hole inside your soul that can devour every self developmental, happy thing you do and you still feel this gnawing? That during moments of happiness it seems to have disappeared but on tougher days, it just becomes this beast with an insatiable hunger?

It's not even loneliness, I feel it's more a sense of nothingness, meaninglessness. I have been reflecting heavily of late but I cant pin point its pulse. Why does it exist? What does it say about what I need to work on? Why does nothing feel enough and everything seem like a chore?

Therapists might describe this as mental exhaustion, burn out etc, that you should connect with things that make you feel good- not your ego but things that make you feel at peace, at oneness, grounded to your self and find a way back to who you are.

I feel it's not enough. It's not enough to carry out these activities because, yes, they do help. Like putting bricks on a decrepit building, it does restore your reserves which have clearly felt over run by the expectations and well, life in general. But, I think taking it a step ahead and asking, what could this mean for in terms of deeper reflection is also very important.

No, I am not trying to "overthink" or "over intellectualise" this. It is, in my opinion a very important part of growing. The frequency of such events should be a good barometer to understand if parts of you feel healed, restored or need closer attention but also asking whats the constitution of this lack is also of equal importance. Like a good doctor does not just treat the symptoms of a disease, but helps you truly understand the larger problem at hand- an imbalance of work-life, of diet etc that is clearly throwing your body off its natural rhythm.

When we ask deeper questions, we are able to question assumptions, look at patterns and maybe find it in our selves to ask honest, blunt questions that our ego would love to shroud into mystery. The ego, ladies and gentleman, loves to put on a good show. It loves to take you as far away from pain, even directing your brain and mind to drink, eat or sleep your way through it all. Because instant gratification is so much better than head on collision into the land of truth.

This is a war in the mind- a war if allowed can bring you a sense of peace and awareness and sometimes leave you vulnerable asking existential questions which are frankly, frightening. It leaves you with scars, with feeling depleted and wounded but also one that's grounding. You are allowing yourself to find parts of you, challenging habits built over time which might have been the product of circumstance but don't serve you anymore. It takes guts to stand in this warfare, put your ego aside and to let it inflict much needed pain. Pain, the kind which feels like a 9th dimensional beast that your mind keeps you from addressing.

What do we do when your reality does not making any sense and feels like slipping into this black hole? You go through it. You let it fracture tiny holes into your life and you take the feeling of dread, in. Not letting its dementors suck you dry of every good thing you have become or done, but to use that as an opportunity to tell yourself- its okay to feel lost, to feel abandoned, to feel hopeless and like nothing amounts to anything.

It's ok to feel like after all the efforts, the struggles, the difficulties, nothing still seems to make sense. Its okay. Because this is and will be but a moment of time in your existence. This will not be permanent. Grounding yourself to the possibility of better outcomes, better future and a better and more prepared you who knows what you can do and what you could overcome should be the way ahead.

Psychological warfare, is in my opinion the toughest battle to overcome. It can weigh you down, take you to your worst places and like a graveyard, still every beautiful thought and emotion from germinating. It's the winter of winters. But even winter is a season which gives way to spring. The difference in nature and your mind is, that is an automatic switch from one season to another, but the automatic switch in your brain, well, it only exists with you and your choice.

Your choice on empowering this beast and letting it control you and show you who you are or letting it be a guide in your journey and letting it question things that you occasionally toss aside and do even better. It starts and ends with your choice. In some cases, a choice that would define not just you today, but change the rest of your life.

For that, pain cant be what you run from but what you surrender to, like a mentor who shows you what is and not what you want to see. You have to let it hold the mirror so that you can anchor yourself in the right direction or forever be lost and consumed by it.